


We all have our secrets

by Kurizumaru



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Female Cousland backstory, Pre-Game head cannon, creepiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 13:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1305883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurizumaru/pseuds/Kurizumaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though she started it, Kieren regrets the 'lamppost' conversation with Alistair. She can only explain to him in private her own answer to the question, "Have you ever licked a lamppost in Winter?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	We all have our secrets

**Author's Note:**

> My headcannon for pre-game Kieren (Female Cousland Character). Read the warnings, they're there for a reason. Nothing graphic, but could still be triggery.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Have you ever licked a lamppost in Winter?” Alistair asks slyly, trying to weasel his way out of answering the question and get a little more information from me with a touch of humor.

Instead, my cheeks turn red and I look down. Certainly not the response he was expecting. “Wait. Never mind. Forget I asked. I didn't mean to...” He trails off.

I hold up my hand and shake my head. “No, I suppose you should know. After all, you told me about your heritage. I suppose I should tell you about my past. Can we take this conversation somewhere more private? I've never talked with anyone else about this before.”

He nods and gestures toward some rocky outcropping not far out of camp.

The walk is silent, save for the crunching of gravel and twigs under our boots. The Mabari follows and when we get to the outcropping, I send him to guard us. He may understand, but it's not like he can tell anyone about the conversation about to be had.

I sit on a rock and sigh softly. “The short answer is yes, I have had sex. But it's much more complicated than a simple answer like that.”

Alistair looks a little disappointed, but beyond that, doesn't react.

“Just promise you'll listen to my whole story before saying anything. Please?”

He nods, fearing that there was some torrid romance before Highever was usurped by Arl Howe and I was recruited into the Grey Wardens. 

The tale begins, “I was in my fourteenth Winter, so young. I was small for my age too. A “late bloomer” my mother had called me. It was at this time that King Maric was searching for a suitable match for, at the time, Prince Cailan. As you'll recall I am the daughter of a Teyrn. In secret, King Maric and Prince Cailan visited our home in an attempt to make a secretive match between myself and the young Prince. Young, though he was, he was still six years my senior and as such neither of us liked the idea.” 

I pause trying to gauge Alistair's reaction. So far, only confusion shows on his face.

Eight years ago:

My mother always did my hair and that day, instead of the usual braids and twists of my childhood, she arranged my hair more like her own: sophisticated, flawlessly neat, adult. I asked her why she did my hair that way, and she assured me it was simply time that I start to wear my hair as a noblewoman would. Just as she was finishing up, one of the servants came to announce that our presence was requested in the meeting hall by my father. I was dressed in my finest dress and can you imagine my surprise at seeing the King and Crown Prince in our Hall? I was suddenly shy and trying to hide behind my mother. My father and brother were already there.

“Your Majesty, may I present my wife, Elaeanor, and my daughter, Kieren,” My father introduced us to the King. I curtsied and kept my eyes down.

“Why don't you, Fergus, and Kieren go explore the Castle while we talk here?” The King suggested to Cailan.

“As you wish, Father,” Cailan acquiesced.

As soon as we all left the room, Fergus made an excuse to leave us. That left me to guide Prince Cailan around. We made polite conversation while we walked. When we got to my Grandfather's study, he just blurted out a question that must have been burning a hole in his mind the whole time. “Just how old are you exactly?”

Slightly taken aback, I answered, “I'm fourteen. Just turned so a month back.”

He peered at me critically as if trying to determine whether I was lying. “Truly? You seem... small for your age.”

That had always been a topic of disappointment for me. “I am, my Lord,” I answered softly with my head down. “Mother says I am a late bloomer.”

“No matter. Often times, the flower that blooms last is the most beautiful,” he reassured me. It made me smile and I finally looked him in the eye.

“You do understand why my father and I are here. Right?” He inquired.

“Should I?” I responded with a question of my own.

“Yes, I believe you should. If they have not told you yet, My father is seeking an arrangement with your father for us to marry. I'm sure you're really nice. However, my heart lies elsewhere. This has not swayed my father from this path though,” He explained softly, as though it was a secret.

“I... I do not know what to say,” I started. “I don't even know you, my Lord. I knew it was a possibility that I would have an arranged marriage, but I'm not even of age yet and I did not presume to be arranged with royalty.” I responded in a whisper. “Will they not take our feelings on the matter into consideration?”

“I'm sure they won't,” He answered. “I feel it would also be kinder to warn you that my father may wish to prove my physical compatibility with you, since you are so small for your age.”

“Physical compatibility?” I asked truly not understanding what he was getting at.

“Yes. As in, he may wish me to lie with you, simply to prove that we can. I...” he cleared his throat. “I'm not bragging or anything, but I am rather well endowed and it may not work between us.”

My face turned the brightest shade of red you can imagine. “I... my Lord... I'm not even of age yet. Would he really make us do that?”

He sighed sadly, “Unfortunately. I believe he would.”

“Would this not ruin my chances of a match later? Is not purity prized above all else by most suitors?” I asked disappointed and scared.

“It may. I don't know the answer to that, my dear. I wish I could reassure you,” Came his dreaded reply. “How about this though, I'm sure I'll be asked to come to your room tonight. We needn't do anything, and some time later, I'll leave and tell my father it didn't work out. That we couldn't... well, you know. And we'll never speak of this again. You're a Teyrn's daughter, so I'm sure we'll have political dealings in the future, but we will pretend as though we do not know one another.”

I nodded, hoping that would work.

“Perhaps we should return. Surely they must have come to some agreement, or not, by now,” I suggested, eager to end the conversation and to flee my embarrassment and fear.

The walk back to the Hall was awkward and uncomfortably silent.

Present:

Alistair interrupts me. “So, my half-brother took you against your will? After promising to not force you into anything? I don't think I can believe that.”

I frown. “It's not that simple. Let me finish. Okay?”

Alistair shakes his head. “I'm not sure I want you to. This isn't going to end happily, is it? I mean... You kind of already gave away the ending.”

“Are you upset because I'm not a virgin?” I ask softly, worried, disappointed.

Alistair groans softly and shakes his head. “No, that's not it. It's... complicated.”

I sigh. “Then at least let me continue before you make your final decision. Okay?”

He nods before I resume telling my story.

Eight years ago:

Upon our return to the Hall, my father smiled at us both. I just nodded, face grim and moved to his side. Cailan returned to his father's side.

“I see you two are getting on nicely. What do you think of the Prince, Pup?” My father asked me cheerfully.

“I have no opinion. I was asked to show him around, and so I did.”

“Well, there will be time for that later,” King Maric announced. “There will be a test tonight. After that, we will announce our final decision.”

I must have looked horrified, because my mother put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “It's not that bad. I promise.”

I was sent to my room to prepare myself both mentally and physically for the Prince to arrive. I was not expecting the King to accompany him. 

“Good evening young lady,” the King greeted me jovially, as though this wasn't a life altering experience for me.

There was oil on the table next to the bed, and I was wearing just my night shift.

“G-good evening, Your Majesty, My Lord,” I responded, startled, and scared.

Cailan hung his head and looked at me sadly. I could tell he was being forced into this. I bit my lip and sighed. “I wasn't aware that you were to be joining us, Your Majesty,” I pointed out hopeful he'd leave.

“Unfortunately, Prince Cailan made some remarks about being reluctant to go through with the test. It seems he is concerned about your small stature,” He started to explain. “I'm just here to make sure he goes through with it.”

I nodded and swallowed hard and sat on my bed. Cailan sat next to me and brushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear. He leaned down and kissed my cheek and whispered into my ear. “I truly am sorry. I do not wish to do this. It... It will hurt.”

I gasped softly as he laid me back. I wasn't ready. It wasn't... It wasn't his fault. In his defense, he did try to make it as comfortable as he could. King Maric didn't help either. His constant commentary and suggestions only served to make the whole situation more uncomfortable. It was extremely unpleasant and traumatizing. Obviously things went another way after that, and Cailan married Anora, his childhood sweet heart.

The Present:

Alistair shakes his head and looks down. “I can't believe it.”

I bite my lip and frown. “Still disappointed?”

He shakes his head. “Not with you. No. I understand. I'm not even disappointed in Cailan. Neither of you had a choice.”

I sigh. “I suppose there's one other thing. You should know.”

Alistair groans and looks up. “No, No I certainly don't want to know. I've decided that your past is your own. But I... I'd like to be a part of your future, if you'll have me.”

I blink at him before asking, “You don't care that I'm not a virgin? That I'm not pure?”

He stands and crosses the small clearing to me and cradles my face gently. “I care about you.”

I smile and kiss him quickly. “I care about you too. Now, shall we return to camp before Morrigan or Zevran decide we're up to more than just chatting back here?”

He chuckles and nods. “You know we'll never hear the end of it.”

So we go, my Mabari trotting along happily in front of us. The rest of the story left for another time.


End file.
